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250 Funny Christmas Quotes for Cards, Friends, Tree, Vacation, Shopping

Christmas is perhaps the busiest time of the year. It is fun, but it could be hectic for most people. All the gift selection, buying, wrapping, preparation of cuisine, and attending to guests are tiresome. They say that the real fun element at Christmas is for kids. They don’t have to go through all the troubles.  As a kid, you have to wake up, dress up, receive gifts, and eat delicious dishes, meet with friends, and play out in the snow, perhaps? Honestly, Now I want to be a kid again too.

But Christmas could be a wild event for adults with a bit of humor, wit, and Alcohol.  The silly jokes around Christmas are part of it, but we can make them posher, can’t we? A funny Christmas quote on a Christmas card or with a gift can put a smile on someone’s face. The more intimate the relationship is, the more sill your jokes can be, and it will make it worth remembering.  A joke is what represents informality and closeness. It breaks the glass, and Christmas is the perfect time to build and rebuild relationships.

 

 

Funny Christmas Quotes

 

We have collated the list of Top 10 Funny Christmas quotes for you to express silly closeness with your loved ones.

  • Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
  • White Christmas’ is the ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ of Christmas songs.
  • Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. (Andy Borowitz)
  • Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. (Victor Borge)
  • Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.”(Catherine Tate)
  • Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.
  • Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”
  • More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good
  • The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live
  • Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.”

 

“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” (Melanie White)

 

“You can just hear Santa saying ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ when you receive your credit card statement in January.”

 

“Christmas is such a carefree, low-pressure time—that’s one of the things I love about it.”

 

“Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas.”

 

“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.”

 

“The older I get; the fewer useless gifts I get. The fewer I get, the less I have to wrap to re-gift for next Christmas.”

 

“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa?” (Matt Groening)

 

“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.” (Andy Rooney)

 

“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” (Jerry Seinfeld)

 

“I never get to see Santa Claus come down the chimney because I always get too tired and fall asleep from eating all his cookies while waiting for him.”

 

“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” (Winston Spear)

 

“Next to a circus, there is nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.”

 

“It may be a cliché, but it’s true – the build-up to Christmas is so much more pleasurable than the actual day itself.”

 

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” (Garrison Keillor)

 

“Anyone who believes that men are equal to women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.”

 

“Of course, Santa is dead. You force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen?”

 

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” (Shirley Temple)

 

“I hate the radio this time of year because they play “All I Want for Christmas Is You” like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.” (Bridger Winegar)

 

“Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.” (Lenore Hershey)

 

“My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a chance. We’re going to let her in.”

 

“Christmas: it’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.” (Samantha Bee)

 

“Santa Claus wears a Red Suit; he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?” (Arlo Guthrie)

 

“It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.”

 

“I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending.”

 

“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”

 

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.”

This collection of funny Christmas quotes had me in tears, but I am sure it will get you genuine laughter from your loved ones.

 

 

Funny Christmas Quotes from Movies

There are diverse traditions of Christmas people celebrate the spirit of it with their terms. Nevertheless, there is one tradition that is worldwide famous and is a must. The Christmas movies are as much part of Christmas as the gift wrapping or Santa Claus maybe.  Home Alone, It is a wonderful life, Elf, A Christmas story are the few of the most famous ones. We have watched these over and over again yet, these never get old.

Following is the collection of Best Funny Christmas Quotes from movies to trigger nostalgia

 

“Merry Christmas, your filth animal!” – Home Alone 1 and 2

 

“Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.” – It’s A Wonderful Life

 

“Charlie, stay away from those things. They’re reindeer, you don’t know where they’ve been. They all look like they’ve got the key lime disease.” (Scott Calvin in The Santa Clause)

 

“From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.” (Katharine Whitehorn, Roundabout)

 

“How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What’s next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?” (Santa Claus in Home Alone)

 

“If you see a sign that says ‘Peep Show’, that doesn’t mean they’re letting you look at presents before Christmas.” (Father Christmas in Elf)

 

“Santa’s reindeer get around so fast because they have athlete’s feet.” (Kids Sure Are Funny)

 

“One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.” (Professor Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone)

 

Joseph: “I’m going to buy them their Christmas turkey”

 

Albert: “Buy? Do you really mean buy?”

 

Joseph: “Yes, buy! In the Spirit of Christmas. The hard part’s going to be stealing the money to pay for it.”Movie  – “We’re No Angels”

 

Sarah The Little Girl: “Santa, how come your clothes are so baggy?”

 

Scott Calvin: “Because Santa is…watching his saturated fats!”

 

Sarah The Little Girl: “How come you don’t have a beard?”

 

Scott Calvin: “Because I shaved.” (Pulls out a toy) “Now, do you want this doll or not?!? Go back to sleep!”Movie  – “The Santa Clause”

 

Santa Claus: “Damn. How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What’s next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?”Movie  – “Home Alone”

 

Charlie: “These are Santa’s reindeer, aren’t they?”

 

Scott Calvin: “I hope not. These are… A gift. Probably from the cable company. We’re getting the Disney Channel now. Merry Christmas.”Movie  – “The Santa Clause”

 

If I could work my will, every idiot who goes about with ‘Merry Christmas’ on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!” – Ebenezer Scrooge in “A Christmas Carol” (2009)

 

Mistletoe,’ said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry’s head. He jumped out from under it. ‘Good thinking,’ said Luna seriously. ‘It’s often infested with nargles.’” — J.K. Rowling

 

Out upon merry Christmas! What’s Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer…? ‘If I could work my will,’ said Scrooge indignantly, ‘every idiot who goes about with Merry Christmas upon his lips should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!” (Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol)

 

Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer… Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?” (Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes)

 

I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is, ‘I want this,’ ‘Get me this,’ ‘I have to have this’… and then there are the children. And they’re all by my store because they stuck the mall Santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. ‘Ho, ho, ho,’ all day long. So, nice as can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I’m the bad guy.” (Al Bundy in Married with Children)

 

I am sure now you want to watch all these movies again Because I do.

 

 

Funny Christmas Card Quotes

This is one dangerous category. Funny Christmas Card quotes are going to be savage, so write them at your own risk. Kidding, they are best to write to friends who you have not met in ages to remind them how good and silly your friendship was.

Here is a collection of Clever Funny Christmas card quotes.

 

“Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.”

 

“Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.”

 

“I hope your smiles will just be as big as your credit card bill this Christmas! Wish you good luck and a lot of fun. Happy Christmas!”

 

“I hope Santa fills our socks with cash money instead of gifts and toys. I know you hope for the same. Wish you a happy Christmas!”

 

“You are allowed to have an awesome Christmas as long as I have my presents waiting at my doorstep. Have a great time!”

 

“Just wanted you to know that you have literally no chance of ending up on the good list of Santa this year. Merry Christmas to you!”

 

“I prayed that Santa would give you wings this Christmas so you can fly and disappear from the earth forever. Just kidding. Merry Christmas!”

 

“Merry Christmas to you. I can see you have a great decoration there. But I think your credit card bill will not be as attractive as your decorations!”

 

“One important rule of Christmas; You can eat all the sweet candies as long as you don’t forget to brush your teeth. Merry Christmas!”

 

“Christmas is the season of magic and mystery. All your savings for the year will have vanished and you won’t even know it. How awesome!”

 

“The reason why everyone makes wishes every Christmas is that no one’s wish ever comes true! Making Christmas wishes is just a custom! Merry Christmas!”

 

“You are too young to go to a club and have a drink and too old to expect gifts from Santa. In fact, you just don’t fit into the joys of Christmas!”

 

“Christmas is a time for remembering family and trying to guess everyone’s sizes! Have a Wonderful Christmas!”

 

“I have Kept some photos in my home So come here instead of Church you can drink and pray, And no more boring speech from the priest Merry Christmas and Happy New year!”

 

“Christmas is not only for praying and praising but for drinking and messing around also, Merry Christmas!”

 

“Everyone knows the most important part of the Christmas celebration is spending time with family you don’t get to see very often. Then you have an excuse to neglect them the rest of the year.”

 

“I think Santa must ride a plane instead of a sleigh so that he can reach me faster. I oftentimes fell asleep waiting for him.”

 

“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.”

 

“Santa was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering her body, Santa asked what are you doing and she answered: Waiting for autumn.”

 

“I mistakenly wrapped your Christmas present in a paper that says “Happy Birthday”. So I added the wording “to Jesus” on it. Merry Christmas!

 

“Christmas is truly full of wonders. It makes all of my savings disappear! That is the Christmas magic, Merry Christmas!”

 

“Dearest God, this Christmas I planned on going green. So please get the point and send me lots of cash this Christmas. Thank you!”

 

“I don’t know if you realize it or not, but you are getting fatter than Santa Clause. Even Santa would bully you for being so fat! Merry Christmas!”

 

“You know your life sucks when you have to wait the entire year for Santa to bring you some presents because apparently, no one care to give you a present.”

 

“Some people have a great year in life and some years have bad people in them. Feeling sorry yet? Just kidding. May your Christmas be full of fun!”

 

“I tried too hard to make Santa believe that you’ve been good throughout the year. Instead, I got my presents canceled for being a friend of yours!”

 

“Christmas is mostly for children. But we adults can enjoy it too until the credit card bills arrive!”

 

“A peach is a peach, a plum is a plum, a kiss is not a kiss unless it’s with tongues. So open your mouth and close your eyes and give your tongue some exercise! Merry Christmas!”

 

I don’t understand why people like to say “Mary Christmas.” Isn’t it Jesus’ birthday? We should say, “Jesus Christmas.

 

“I’ve finally found the true meaning of Xmas, it’s for those people who can’t spell Christmas!”

 

“Santa told me you’d been very good this year, I told him it was just a lack of opportunity. Merry Christmas!”

 

“Please allow Jesus to Come and Bless people in Church on Christmas, if he sees you there he may not. So come here and have a party with me, Merry Christmas to you!”

 

“There are four stages in life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.”

 

“I think Santa should hire giants instead of elves so that he can have a faster production of gifts. Have a fun Christmas!”

 

“A Christmas Reminder: Don’t try to borrow any money from elves; They’re always a little short! Have a Merry Christmas!”

 

“Dear Santa, if you promise to be nice and give me everything on my list, I promise to give you the antidote to those poison cookies you just ate. Thank you.”

 

“I would say all I want for Christmas is YOU, But I really would love a new credit card as well!”

 

“Christmas is the festival of love and spirit So let us drink the spirit to feel love, Merry Christmas too!”

 

“Hey you two over there, It’s the old, bearded guy and his silly reindeer! We’re here to bring you holiday cheer and wishes for a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!”

 

“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.”

 

 

Funny Christmas Quotes Short

Following Catchy Funny Christmas Quotes short is the bonus to keep your cards, clear, simple, concise, yet funny.

 

Let’s get lit.

 

Dear Santa, I was framed.

 

Sleigh all day, then cabernet.

 

Single all the way.

 

You can’t fool me—there ain’t no Sanity Clause

 

I’m only a morning person on December 25th.

 

There has been only one Christmas – the rest are anniversaries.

 

Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying ‘Buy Buy’

 

Zen Christmas: the gift of nothingness.

 

I want to be Spiderman for Christmas.

 

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.

 

This Christmas don’t WhatsApp me, send me a gift.

 

Merry Christmas, nearly everybody! ~Ogden Nash

 

During Christmas, you buy gifts with the next year’s money.

 

My Christmases have always just been very simple and about family

 

Only an accountant understands the real meaning of Christmas.

 

Me putting up with you is your Christmas present. Happy Christmas

 

You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.

 

Once you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear for Christmas.

 

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

 

Dear Santa, before I explain, how much do you know already?

 

I bought the Christmas Oreos… So don’t tell me I don’t have holiday spirit.

 

I don’t know what to say, but it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.

 

Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.

 

At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional

 

Christmas is a time when you get homesick – even when you’re home.

 

The best way to spread Christmas cheer is by singing loud for all to hear.

 

The ideal Christmas gift is money, but the trouble is you can’t charge it.

 

I’ve seen your Facebook status updates, You’ll get a dictionary for Christmas.

 

There’s something about a Christmas sweater that will always make me laugh.

 

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I’ll drink the red.

 

Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.

 

A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.

 

It’s easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.”

 

 

Funny Christmas Tree Quotes

A Christmas without a tree is not a Christmas, period. Without a tree, there is no Christmas vibe. Buying ornaments and decorating is a part of Christmas, particularly for kids. The tree is a fascinating part of Christmas. We have collected a list of Funny Christmas trees to add humor with fascination.

Best Funny Christmas Quotes are

 

“He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.”

 

“Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.”

 

“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.”

 

“Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks.”

 

“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.”

 

“The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.”

 

“The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: ‘Some assembly required.”

 

I grew up on a Christmas Tree Farm so this is a good season for me. I was too young to help with the hauling of the trees up the hills and putting them onto cars. So, it was my job to pull the praying mantis pods off of the Christmas trees. The problem with that is if you leave them on there, people bring them into their house. I forgot to check one time and they hatched all over these people’s house—and there were hundreds of thousands of them!” (Taylor Swift)

 

 

Funny Christmas Vacation Quotes

Christmas vacations could be expensive and tiresome. However, after all, these are the vacations that everyone looks forward to. That is why no matter how heavy it falls upon the pocket, people go through it.

To make it lighter on your pockets here is a collection of Clever Funny Christmas vacation quotes.

 

“A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.”

 

“I’m extremely sentimental about Christmas, actually. Every Christmas I still take my socks off and stand them in front of the fireplace.”

 

“This Christmas vacation let’s try to keep things in their proper perspective. After all, credit cards do have their limits.”

 

“This Christmas vacation, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.”

 

“Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of ‘s.’ I suppose you could say ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Happy New Year,’ but you probably have sh*t to do.”

 

 

Funny Christmas Party Quotes

The time which adults look for at Christmas is Party. To be honest, a Christmas party with complaining parents, struggling adults, and people with a middle-aged crisis is a crazy night.

Here is a collection of Crazy funny Christmas party quotes.

 

“Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.” (Ellen DeGeneres)

 

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” (Phyllis Diller)

 

“We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.”

 

“The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.”

 

“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” (Tom Sims)

 

“May you survive the boring speech of the priest in the church and join me at the party as soon as possible. Merry Christmas!”

 

“Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.” (Sean Hughes)

 

“Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” (Wendy Cope)

 

“Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I found myself grinning.”

 

“I don’t want Christmas season to end, because it’s the only time I can legitimately indulge in one particular addiction: glitter.”

 

“A true Christmas miracle is when you manage to untangle all your Christmas lights from last year. A double miracle if they still work.”

 

“People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.”

 

“One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.”

 

“There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.”

 

“Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.”

 

“I’ve had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, ‘No! No! This wasn’t what it was supposed to be about, people!’ Then if there’s a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, ‘Listen, fat man, you’re just a clown at my birthday party.”

 

“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’”

 

 

Funny Christmas Shopping Quotes

Shopping, that too a Christmas shopping drives people crazy. Weeks before Christmas it starts, and you slowly see your bank account getting ripped off.  Everyone jokes about empty bank account around this time of the year. We have brought you a collection of Funny Christmas Shopping quotes, the take of celebrities on it.

Funny Christmas Shopping Quotes include:

 

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.

 

What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.

 

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange them.

 

A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.

 

It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.

 

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first—your money or your feet.

 

There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.

 

There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?

 

Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.

 

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

 

I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.

 

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

 

If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.

 

For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway.

 

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “toys not included.” (Bernard Manning)

 

Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, ‘Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins, right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?

 

Three Wise WOMEN would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, bought practical gifts, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and there would be peace on earth!

 

Wretched excess is an unfortunate human trait that turns a perfectly good idea such as Christmas into a frenzy of last-minute shopping.

 

Santa left batteries under the tree with a note that said “Due to cutbacks, toys not included.

 

Is Santa so busy that he cannot find time to groom himself? I think he needs to shave his beard.

 

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.

 

Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts. (Author Unknown)

 

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it. (Richard Lamm)

 

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, ‘So does the guy I stole it from.’ (David Letterman)

 

Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don’t quite know how to put our love into words.

 

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. (Steven Wright)

 

Christmas Shopping: Wouldn’t it be wonderful to find one gift that you didn’t have to dust, that had to be used right away, that was practical, fit everyone, was personal and would be remembered for a long time? I penciled in “Gift certificate for a flu shot

 

Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don’t care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you, people, to shop? It’s beyond belief! It’s insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn’t poking his ass into it!

 

set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.

 

 

Funny Christmas Quotes for Friends

Let us not forget friends while we are at it. The joking relationship with friends is the ultimate.

So here is a collection of Funny Christmas Quotes for friends who will not mind it Trust me.

 

“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.”

 

“Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.”

 

“Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.”

 

“I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.”

 

“We celebrate the birth of one who told us to give everything to the poor by giving each other motorized tie racks.”

 

“Thank you, Stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace.”

 

“This Christmas is all about feeling special. I hope you spend this Christmas drinking to the point that you completely forget you’re a loser!”

 

 

Funny Christmas Love Quotes

Funny Christmas Love quotes are all about the teasing relationship between husband and wife, grandparents, and grandkids too. The more love is in every relationship, the more annoying the relationship will be.

Here is a list of Top Funny Christmas Love quotes

 

“Can I get a Picture of You so that I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?”

 

“Would you like some Christmas thanks or perhaps a bunch of Christmas pranks?”

 

“Why were there only three kings at Jesus’ birth? Elvis had not yet entered the building.”

 

“Giving me a Christmas ornament as a Christmas gift is like bringing vitamins to my funeral.”

 

“What do you call a Christmas card from your crazy ex? Sent-a-mental.”

 

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” (Joan Rivers)

 

“The best Christmas present I got from my husband was a week to do whatever I wanted”

 

“It’s that’s a special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cellphones.”

 

“Christmas is always a problem for the man who has to convince his kids that there is a Santa Claus, and his wife that there isn’t.”

 

“There are some people who want to throw their arms around you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.”

 

“Christmas Eve, a perfect night to express affection for your family, to forgive those who failed you, and to forget past mistakes.”

 

“You can never truly enjoy Christmas until you can look up into the Father’s face and tell him you have received his Christmas gift.”

 

“My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.”

 

“Every time I see you, I think of Santa. You have so many things in common with that big, fat, silly guy except that long-white beard. Merry Christmas dear!”

 

“You are a huge blessing in my life (just over 200 pounds!!). I’m glad that you didn’t fall upon me directly from the sky.”

 

“I hope when Santa comes at midnight, he brings you wrapped in a box as my Christmas gift! That would make a perfect Christmas for me this year!”

 

“I wrote to Santa admitting that I have been naughty throughout this year and it’s all because of you. Now, I’m waiting for Santa’s reply.”

 

“Christmas has been postponed because I did not receive my late-night kiss. So, if you want to celebrate Christmas, you have to give me a hug as a penalty.”

 

“Merry Christmas dear! The only thing that I hate about Christmas is a bearded, fat moron invading our home at midnight and calling you A ‘Ho’.”

 

“Christmas may well be a season to celebrate for you, but for me, it means trying my ass off to save every single penny I earned this year and make it through to the next year.”

 

“I never know what to give my father for Christmas. I gave him $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.”

 

“The true magic of Christmas is when you make my savings disappear without me realizing what happened. You’re truly a blessing in disguise of a wife!”

 

“Let’s drink till we start admitting our sins to each other and then sober up realizing we don’t remember anything from last night. What a great Christmas that would be!”

 

“I wished to be surrounded by good people, not the ones that spoil my mood. But Santa told me that offer was not for married people.”

 

“You don’t need Visa when you’ve got Santa! You don’t need Santa when you’ve got Visa! Who needs Santa when you’ve got Grandma!”

 

“In case I forget to bring presents for you, keep your doors open, Santa will definitely come with a box of chocolates. Merry Christmas!”

 

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of the list, Xbox. Do you know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

Hopefully, we have covered all the dimensions where you can add a little humor and voila. Laughter makes anything and everything exceptional. So, to make this Christmas memorable, try the above quotes, and have reactions that will melt your heart for sure.  Keep the Christmas light, funny and above all, inspiring. That is the true spirit of Christmas.

 

 

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