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65 Extraordinary Funny Christmas Quotes & Sayings

Below is a list of 65 Extraordinary Funny Christmas Quotes & Sayings To Keep You Laughing Until The New Year.

 

“Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.”

– Wendy Cope

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”

– Garrison Keillor

“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”

 – Johnny Carson

“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.”

– Author Unknown

“At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.”

– Robert Godden

“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”

– Andy Borowitz

“You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.”

– Andy Borowitz

“As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.”

– Andy Borowitz

“He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.”

– Roy L. Smith

“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.”

– Henny Youngman

“Wretched excess is an unfortunate human trait that turns a perfectly good idea such as Christmas into a frenzy of last-minute shopping.”

– Jon Anderson

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”

– Garrison Keillor

“Love the giver more than the gift.”

– Brigham Young

“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.”

– Melanie White

“I get the same thing for Christmas every year – deeper in debt.”

– Melanie White

“Thank goodness Christmas is a state of mind. I’d hate for it to be the state of my bank account.”

– Melanie White

“My Christmas wish is to spend more time unwrapping presents than I do untangling lights.”

– Melanie White

“I’m all for Christmas cheer – only I don’t think you can find it in egg nog.”

– Melanie White

“If you haven’t gotten the Christmas spirit yet; it’s not too late. I hear they’re having a big sale on it down at the mall.”

– Melanie White

“This is the message of Christmas:  We are never alone.”

– Taylor Caldwell

“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”

– Jerry Seinfeld

“To many people holidays are not voyages of discovery, but a ritual of reassurance.”

– Philip Andrew Adams

“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”

– Dave Barry

“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day.  Don’t clean it up too quickly.”

– Andy Rooney

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.”

– Shirley Temple

“Christmas is a time when you get homesick – even when you’re home.”

– Carol Nelson

“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.”

– Bridger Winegar

“I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.”

– Charles Dickens

“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?”

– Matt Groening

“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.”

– Winston Spear

“Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.”

– Catherine Tate

“This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.”

– Guy Endore Kaiser

“The Supreme Court ruled against having a nativity scene in Washington DC. This was not for religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”

– Jay Leno

“A Christmas candle is a lovely thing; It makes no noise at all, But softly gives itself away.”

– Eva Logue

“Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?”

– Arlo Guthrie

“May Peace be your gift at Christmas and your blessing all year through!”

– Author Unknown

“Although it is pleasant to think about poison at any season, there is something special about Christmas, and I found myself grinning.”

– Alan Bradley

“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.”

– Kin Hubbard

“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.”

– Tom Sims

“It is the apathetic person that sees the cause while the charitable person sees the need.”

– Shannon L. Alder

“Christmas is the day that holds all time together.”

– Alexander Smith

“The holiest of holidays are those kept by ourselves in silence and apart; The secret anniversaries of the heart.”

– Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“I’m extremely sentimental about Christmas, actually. Every Christmas I still take my socks off and stand them in front of the fireplace.”

– Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise

“What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.”

– Don Marquis

“He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.”

– Roy L. Smith

“I hate the radio this time of year because they play “All I Want For Christmas Is You” like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.”

– Bridger Winegar

“I forget the derivation of Boxing Day, but the feeling of wanting to invite your loved ones outside one at a time and punch them in the face, does that come into it somewhere?”

– Allison Pearson

“There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made out of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.”

– P.J. O’Rourke

“Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind.”

– Mary Ellen Chase

“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”

– Dave Barry

“Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.”

– Erma Bombeck

“Once again, we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.”

– Dave Barry

“When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time.  Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?”

– G.K. Chesterton

“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”

– Steven Wright

“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’”

– Dave Barry

“A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.”

– John B. Priestly

“Christmas is not as much about opening our presents as opening our hearts.”

– Janice Maeditere

“As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.”

– Donald E. Westlake

“Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time.”

– Laura Ingalls Wilder

“For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway!”

– Anne Bristow

“Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our blessings, all the snow in Alaska won’t make it ‘white’.”

– Bing Crosby

“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.”

– Shirley Temple

“Christmas, it seems to me is a necessary festival; we require a season when we can regret all the flaws in our human relationships: it is the feast of failure, sad but consoling.”

– Graham Greene

“Two things upon this changing earth can neither change nor end; the splendor of Christ’s humble birth, the love of friend for friend.”

– Author Unknown

“People can’t concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces properly if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December.”

– Ogden Nash

 

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