Quotes & Sayings
150 Funniest Sarcastic Quotes And Sayings
Here is a list of 150+ Funniest Sarcastic Quotes and Sayings.
Sarcastic Quotes & Sayings
“What doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.”
“My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.”
“Let’s share… You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin.”
“Fighting with me is like being in the special Olympics. You may win, but in the end, you’re still a retard.”
“Well, at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.”
“My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.”
“Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
“When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”
“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”
“You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.”
“Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.”
“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.” – Abba Eban
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.” – Albert Einstein
“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.” – Murphy’s Laws
“Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone. I realized I can do so much without you.”
“If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”
“Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.”
“I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.”
“Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?”
“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
“If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.”
“Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.”
“If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”
“I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.”
“I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”
“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”
“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
“Sarcasm: because arguing with stupid people just wouldn’t be as much fun.”
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
“I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”
“I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.”
“Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.”
“Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.”
“Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”
“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.”
“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
“Sarcasm: Helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.”
“Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.”
“I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.”
“Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal.”
“My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.”
“If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.”
“You sound better with your mouth closed.”
“If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.”
“I’m smiling… that alone should scare you.”
“If I promise to miss you, will you go away?”
“I’ll try being nicer, if you try being smarter.”
“Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!” – Groucho Marx
“Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.” – Cecilia Egan
“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford
“I take super-hot showers to practice burning in hell.”
“You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.”
“Remember when I asked for your opinion? Yeah me neither.”
“I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.”
“People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.”
“If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”
“Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.” –Woody Allen
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” – Erma Bombeck
“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” – Groucho Marx
“In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.” – Woody Allen
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” – Henny Youngman
“You’re not that lucky and I’m not that desperate!”
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” – Groucho Marx
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”
“Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”
“Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”
“Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking.”
“Find your patience before I lose mine.”
“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
“Are you always this retarded or are you making a special effort today?”
“You’d be in good shape… if you ran as much as your mouth.”
“If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.”
“Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”
“No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.”
“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest!”
“Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.”
“You always do me a favor, when you shut up!”
“Tell me how I have upset you, because I want to know how to do it again.”
“I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.”
“Sure I’ll help you out… the same way you came in.”
“Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”
“I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
“Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!”
“I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” – Sir Winston Churchill
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” – Albert Einstein
“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” – Patrick Murray
“It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.”
“This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
“When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” – Sacha Guitry
“There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.” – Will Rogers
“If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.”
“Violence won’t solve anything. But it sure makes me feel good.”
“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”
“I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
“That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.”
“Life’s good, you should get one.”
“If you’re waiting for me to give a shit, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be while.”
“Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.”
“Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.”
“The whole purpose of sending a text is to get a reply within seconds or minutes, otherwise, I would have sent a letter by fucking mail.”
“If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.”
“Askhole. A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.”
“My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know.”
“I may look calm, but inside my mind, I’ve killed you 20 times, in 5 minutes, in 20 different ways.”
“You’d be in good shape, if you ran as much as your mouth.”
“We don’t need CCTV camera in our country. Neighbors and relatives are enough.”
“You know that little voice inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t? Yeah, I don’t have that.”
“I’d slap you but that would be animal abuse.”
“When people see you laying down with your eyes closed, they still ask “Are you sleeping?” And I’m like, “No. I’m training to die.”
“I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.”
“Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.”
“Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.”
“I’ve got a good heart but this mouth…”
“Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.”
“Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.”
“I’m sorry. What language are you speaking? It sounds like bullshit.”
“If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really.”
“Find your patience before I lose mine.”
“I’ve reached that age where my brain goes from “You probably shouldn’t say that.” To “What the hell, let’s see what happens.”
“Come here you big, beautiful cup of coffee and lie to me about how much we’re going to get done today.”
“Sometimes I wish I could get a refund on the time I have invested on people that weren’t worth it.”
“It’s a beautiful day to leave me alone.”
“Congratulations! You’ve managed to make me feel like a worthless piece of shit again. Would you like an award for that?”
“Don’t worry about what I’m doing. Worry about why you’re worried about what I’m doing.”
“I’m 97% sure you don’t like me but I’m 100% sure I don’t care.”
“You are the result of 4 billion years of evolution. So act like it.”
“I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me.”
“Warning. I’m bored. Things could get dangerous.”
“We all have problems. Some of us just choose not to post them on Facebook.”
“Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.”
“Breaking someone’s trust is like crumpling up a perfect piece of paper. You can smooth it over but it’s never going to be the same again.”
“Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.”
“Don’t judge a book by its cover. Don’t judge a student by his percentage.”
“If the teacher tells you to get out, it means you have won the argument.”
“I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.”
“Good judgment comes from experience. And experience? Well, that comes from poor judgment.”
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright
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